Friday, November 30, 2012

Where I talk about some serious stuff...

So I feel a need to get some serious Mommy stuff off my chest.

Working full time is hard. But I imagine that being a stay at home mom (SAHM) would also be hard. Basically, being a mom is hard.

I have the most perfect little boy:

How can you not fall in love with this little guy?
I've had a rough week. None of it is caused by baby Goo. But, it might be caused by the absence of baby Goo.

Let me preface this by saying that I do not think that I have postpartum depression. I think I'm just having a rough, emotional, tiring week. The stress of preparing for this conference has led me to not sleep well, my lack of sleep has ramped up my emotions, and the fact that I had baby Billy for 4 1/2 straight days over the Thanksgiving weekend spoiled me.

I absolutely love my little guy to pieces. He's just so perfect. Even when he's pooping outside of his diaper, spitting up all over me (and himself... and the floor... and the new leather couch... and if he could... the cat), or fussing. He's just a perfect little dude.

When I pick him up from daycare, I just want to hold him, hug him, and breathe him in.

When he's not in my care (or my husband's, or his grandparent's), I just feel an absolute loss of control. I don't know what's going on when I'm not there. I don't know if the other kids are being nice to him. I don't know what happens if another one of the kids gets out of line with him. I don't know if the other kids are taking his toys (I send him to daycare with some of his own toys). I don't know if he's being held enough. I don't know if he's being protected the way I would. I don't... ugh. I just don't.

I don't know if he misses me as much as I miss him.

BUT - I have to ask myself - could I handle being a SAHM? If I'm being honest, I'd probably have to say no. I feel like I need some time to be me. Which makes me feel selfish and guilty.

Could I work part time - no, not really. We need my paycheck to pay the bills. Plus - I happen to like my job, and I don't really have a part time option available to me.

So basically, this week has been filled with anxiety dreams (some about zombies - no joke), stress, exhaustion, worry, and the fighting back of tears.

I know I'm told that it'll get better... but I wish it would get better sooner, rather than later.

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