Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Where I share the important real estate lessons I've learned from Paranormal TV Shows...

When it comes to buying a house, paranormal television shows have taught me a few deal breakers:

1. Don't buy a house that has the words "Leave or Die" painted in red on the siding. I kid you not, there was a couple who bought a house in El Dorado, Oklahoma. Before they bought the house, and were looking at it, they saw in big red letters, the words "Leave or Die" painted on the back of the house. I believe they actually said something like, "Oh, we thought nothing of it, and went ahead and bought the house."

At this point in the show, I paused the playback and shouted at the TV, "No! You don't buy the 'Leave or Die' house! You deserve whatever's coming to you!"

Needless to say, things did not go well for them.

2. If you're buying a house, and it's been vacant for a while, don't buy it if there's a room that has a pentagram painted in it. "Where Evil Lurks."

You would almost think that this is a no-brainer. But then again, so does the first item on my list.

The couple in question here was looking for a larger home in Arkansas. They bought this 1700s era house, at a far lower price than they thought it was worth (another red flag). Before buying the home they walked through it and came across a bedroom that had a boarded up fireplace that had pentagrams and other symbols painted on it.

They "thought nothing of it," bought the house, cleaned up that room, and made it their young son's bedroom. Yup, you read that right.

To make a long story short, the house was a portal for demons. Huzzah. They had the house "cleansed," but a few months later a new demon came through the still open portal. They moved.

ADDED NOTE OF INTEREST: Should you choose to go ahead and buy a house with a pentagram painted on the floor, do not sweep up the circle of salt that surrounds it. You'll release the demons.

3. If there is a cemetery within line of sight of your potential house, think hard about it. If you find actual grave stones on the property - DON'T BUY IT.

"Bone Crusher."

In this episode of "The Haunted," a family buys an old house, and they discover what looks to be some old gravestones towards the back of the property. The young wife/matriarch finds what appears to be a human bone (or maybe the family dog brings it to her). Rather than, I don't know, rebury it, a friend of the husband's crushes it into a powder. Because desecration of human remains is always a good idea, right?

This episode also includes another pet peeve of mine - when a husband thinks his wife is a lunatic because she's telling him that she thinks the house is haunted. I've told my husband that if he ever does this to me, I will be incredibly upset with him. I assured my husband that if I ever tell him that I think our house it haunted, I mean it.

I don't think I need to explain to you that things didn't go well for this family.

4. Hypothetically, let's say you've already bought the house. While doing renovations, you tear up the floor in the master bedroom and underneath the old flooring, you find what appears to be a very large, but old blood stain. Then when you tear up the kitchen floor, down to the dirt, and your dog comes up with what appears to be a human leg bone. Then, for no apparent reason (like no earthquakes, no natural explanation), three mirrors in different parts of the house fall down and shatter in quick succession.

Solution: MOVE.

Yes, I know the housing market sucks. But in this case, foreclosure is a valid option. Sure, you'll wreck your credit. Sure, you'll probably be renting for a while. But, you won't have the constant threat of being pushed down the stairs and breaking your jaw on the marble floors. You probably won't have the vivid nightmares anymore, and you most likely won't have your dogs barking at (what looks to you like) nothing.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Where I enter the mind of an SUV Driver (Part 2)...

The rules of the road, from inside the mind of someone who drives an SUV (Part 2):

7. "I've known that I need to merge for over a mile now, but I'm going to wait until the last possible moment. I'm bigger than everyone else, so they have to let me in."

8. "The emergency shoulder? Oh, that's for me to use when traffic is at a stand still and I have to exit. I shouldn't have to sit in traffic! The cars that are trying to enter the highway while I'm trying to exit on the shoulder have to watch out for me!"

9. "I've known for 3 miles that I've needed to exit on the right, but I'm going to wait until the last possible second to cross three lanes of traffic to exit. Why would I drive any slower than I have to leading up to my exit?"

10. "I only need to drive with one hand, bitches. That leaves my other hand free to talk on my cell phone, send that super important text message, surf the internet, apply my mascara, or eat a taco from Taco Bell!"

11. "I need to drive an SUV because I drive in Chicago during the winter. An SUV is the safest thing to drive in the snow, and I don't need to slow down at all!"

P.S. I'd like to thank Google Images for its invaluable help on these last two posts. Google images rules!

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Where I enter the mind of an SUV Driver...

The rules of the road, from inside the mind of someone who drives an SUV:

1. "Turn signal? Why would I use that? Everyone else should watch where I'm going and anticipate my movements. What a burden to have to push that tiny lever up and down!"

2. "Blind spot? Why should I check my blind spot? Everyone should move out of my way!"

3. "Speed limits? On residential streets? Those are just recommendations! I don't need to obey those!"

4. "Stop sign? I only need to slow down... slightly... for those."

5. "What do those white broken lines mean again?"

6. "I would like to sit in your backseat with you, while remaining in my own car. Isn't that the proper distance at which to follow another vehicle?"

Monday, December 5, 2011

Where I write the unwritten rules of the DVR...

The Unwritten (Now Written) Rules of the DVR:

1. Never delete something that you only think the person who recorded it has watched. Always ask first.

2. Never delete something that has a green check mark next to it. This means that someone doesn't want it deleted until they say so. So if you're not the person who put the green check mark there, don't delete it.

3. Don't tell your spouse that you watched a show you both enjoy without them, brag about how great it was, tell them they should watch it, and then (accidentally or not) delete it. That's just shitty.

Specifically, this show.

4. 3 times out of 5, if you're at a really good spot in the recorded show, there will be a glitch on the recording. This is an extension of Murphy's law.

5. Never cancel a recording without telling the other members of your household. There might be a riot otherwise.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Where I talk about how I'm so... Zzzzzzzzz...

I've already announced it on Facebook, so I'm going to announce it here as well: I'm currently 8 weeks pregnant.

Our child will be an evil genius that takes over the world! Just you wait! I call it "Blobby."

However, the main side effect of this first trimester that I'm experiencing is exhaustion. It doesn't matter how much sleep I get, I'm tired. This is partly why I haven't had a new blog entry in a while. Sorry folks (the two of you who read this)!

So. I've decided to write a blog about things I'm thankful for. Let us begin:

I suppose I should be thankful for my husband. I'll be honest... he's kind of a goober. And lately he's been annoying me... but I love him anyway.

Bill's Family

My Family

I'm thankful for my family. They haven't found a way to get rid of me yet!
Boris. The Nubian God.

I'm thankful for my kitties. They are never boring.
I have friends who aren't pictured here, but I'm too tired to track down more pictures.
I'm thankful for my friends. I haven't pissed them off enough (yet) for them to cut me out. Or just cut me.
Finally, I'm thankful for my job. The commute sucks, but the pay is decent, I get the summers off, and they haven't found a reason to fire me yet.

That concludes this blog entry. I'll try to come up with something more substantial soon.