Friday, October 28, 2011

Where I rant about House Hunter's International...

I have a serious aversion to reality TV. This is mostly because I happen to live reality, and what's shown on TV is not reality. I don't know what the hell it is, but it sure isn't any form of reality that I recognize.

I've made it a goal in life to watch as little reality TV as possible. The shows I do watch that might be classified as reality TV, I explain away by classifying them as documentaries. I have never watched an episode of Survivor, a complete episode of American Idol, or subjected myself to the horror that is the Jersey Shore (which is a rant for another day).

So, I was recently forced to watch a reality TV show called House Hunter's International. I was at a friend's house, so I didn't have any control over the TV. We'd just finished watching the Blackhawks lose against the Avalanche (who I accidentally called the Rockies at one point), when the channel was switched to HGTV.

The show that I was subjected to was House Hunter's International. By the time I was done watching this show, I had a nearly uncontrollable urge to either cut myself* or kick cute puppies.

The premise of this show is horrible. It's basically about absurdly rich people who are looking for either a second home in some exotic foreign country, or absurdly rich people looking for an entirely new primary residence in some exotic foreign country.

The episode I saw that fateful night was titled Quality Time on the Gold Coast of Australia. The synopsis on HGTV's website doesn't do this justice, so please read mine instead:

In this episode, a couple that's been living in Thailand (the Mackays) are looking to move to Australia. The husband (Scott) is an international banker (read: he works for the Devil), and has been commuting between Bangkok and Phuket. He lives in an apartment in Bangkok during the work week, while his wife (Navine) lives in Phuket with their three sons. He commutes back to the house on the weekends.

Scott has decided that he can't be a weekend dad anymore. This means that he has to move the family so that he can live with them full time. For some reason that I can't quite put together, this means that rather than move to Bangkok, they're going to move to the Gold Coast of Australia. So, they start looking for a new home in Australia.

During this search, Navine starts whining about how the move to Australia is such a huge sacrifice for her, as she'll be giving up her lavish lifestyle in Phuket, along with her nanny, cook, housekeeper, and driver. (Insert the sound of screeching tires) Wait, what? She has a nanny, a cook, a housekeeper, and a driver?!? And she doesn't work? WHAT THE FUCK DOES SHE DO ALL DAY?

Anyway, so Scott and Navine go to Australia to consult a realtor (who has a better accent than them), and it is revealed that their budget is $1,000,000 USD. (Insert the sound of screeching tires again) A million fucking dollars? Really? How am I supposed to relate to this show? I will never own a million dollar home. Even if somehow I become a famously wealthy best-selling novelist (hahahahahahahaha!), I will still never own a million dollar home. Nor will I ever have a nanny, a cook, a housekeeper, and a driver. Okay, maybe I'll have a housekeeper, but that's it.

Moving on... The realtor shows them three different houses. The middle of which is on some sort of waterway that isn't the ocean, but must still be saltwater. I say this because, as Navine goes down to the beach and declares, "We have our own beach!" the realtor warns her, "Yes, but don't go into the water. There are bull sharks!"

The sole redeeming moment of this show is when Navine exclaims in her British accent, "Shaaaaaahks?!?"


But the show proceeds to ruin this by repeating that clip ad nausem.

They did not pick the house with the sharks, sadly. I was hoping she might get eaten by sharks. It would've only improved my opinion of the show.

Anyway, the moral of the story is: This is exactly why I hate reality TV. There is nothing in this show that I can relate to, aside from an aversion to sharks. In this economy, where people are struggling to pay their mortgages on their reasonably priced homes, how can HGTV justify throwing crap like this in our faces? This is quite literally a show for the 1%, about the 1%.

Oh, and the added kicker? At the end of the show, it's revealed that Navine has two yippy yappy anklebiter dogs. Not that this should have shocked me, because the woman was pretty much portrayed as a stereotypical privileged rich housewife.

*A note to readers - I actually have no desire to ever cut myself, despite my frequent assertions otherwise.

1 comment:

  1. Reality TV always seems so.... irrational to me. Especially when it comes to individual decisions.

    I see someone say or do something that seems so stupid that I'm instantly snapped back to REAL-reality where I know that no one NOT wanting publicity for make stupid choices would actually do that.

    When something is sooo contrived, it's hard to think of Reality TV as Reality. At that point, I think the screen actors guild has every right to complain when a network shows this bullshit at near zero cost.