Friday, January 13, 2012

Where I show that I'm not biased just towards SUVs...

My friend Barbara has yet again inspired a blog entry. Thank you Barbara, sometimes your righteous indignation gives me the best ideas.

Shall we begin?

It has been pointed out to me that everytime I bash SUVs and the people that drive them, that sometimes Barbara wants to punch kittens, or something along those lines. So in an effort to show that I'm not discriminatory in my opinions towards SUVs, I've come up with a list of all the vehicles that irritate me.

Let's count down:

7. Minivans

Actually, I kid. I just wanted to aggravate Barbara again. Minivans don't really upset me. My first car was a 1991 Plymouth Voyager.

But in a way, my experience driving one for several years has led to minor irritation. Because I drove 4-cyl minivan, I know full well what they're capable of. Most minivans nowadays are 6-cyl. So when I get stuck behind a needlessly slow moving minivan, I do get a little annoyed. I know they can move faster than that.

But now that I have a child on the way, I understand why some of these soccer moms are driving more slowly than other vehicles. They're trying to protect their kids. My only word of advice: don't drive slower than the posted speed limit. That is sometimes just as dangerous, if not more so, than speeding.

6. Lincolns

Specifically, Lincolns bother me when I'm behind them. For some reason I don't like the back end of a Lincoln. I just don't like the way it looks. I acknowledge that this isn't entirely rational.

I told my father about how I don't like Lincolns and he admitted that he doesn't like Lincolns either, and never had. So maybe this is a learned behavior on my part.

5.Chevy Camaros

Every man I have ever known or met that drives a Camaro is kind of a douchebag. Mind you, my husband drove a Trans Am before we ever met, and Trans Ams, Firebirds, and Camaros are all practically the same beast. But at least it was long gone before I ever knew him.

Plus, let's be honest, my husband is kind of a jerk sometimes (I'm not perfect either).

4. Brown Buicks

It doesn't matter the model, but if it's brown, and it's a Buick, I don't like it. It's usually some old fart driving it, and the only thing worse than getting stuck behind a brown Buick is getting stuck behind two brown Buicks.

Oh, and before you tell me I'm prejudiced against old people - my uncle is an actuary for an insurance company, and he has said that a majority of people driving brown Buicks are over the age of 60. It is an actual statistic.

3. Oversized Pick-up Trucks

I am a firm believer that unless a large Pick-up truck is being used for work purposes (Construction, farming, etc.), and just driven as a primary vehicle, that the man driving it is overcompensating for a small penis.

My best friend wrote a song about my feelings. It's called "Big Rick."

2. Chyslers, specifically Chrysler Sebrings

A 2000 Chrysler Sebring is the sole reason why I will never own a Chrysler again.
My husband and I briefly owned one. It had a poltergeist in its engine. Honest Injun. We dumped so much money into this thing, trying to get it running properly, and no mechanic we took it to could ever figure out what the hell was actually wrong with it. It would just die for (seemingly) no reason. It would only die when you were at a complete stop. There was no overheating of the engine. It just would... die.

It only had about 70,000 miles on it. Once it died, you couldn't get it running again for at least five to ten minutes. Then it would usually continue to run. But let me tell you, when your car is inexplicably dead at a red light on North Ave, that is a pretty high stress situation there.

It was a bit annoying when the tow truck drivers would say, "Your problem is that it's a Chrysler." I remember snapping at one of the guys who said that. He shut his piehole pretty quickly.

1. SUVs.

I already have two blog entries that list why I don't like SUVs, and a certain portion of the people who drive them. So you can reference those:

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